My Own Worst Enemy

Not too long ago, I wrote about one of my adversaries, the Stress Monster. Today, I'd like to introduce you to a much more insidious beast: the Spectre of Self-Doubt. Unlike the aforementioned Stress Monster, which hides deep inside only to rear its ugly head (in a very Hulk-like way) in moments of extreme pressure, the Spectre of Self-Doubt is always there, following me like a shadow and whispering in my ear.

And the problem with that is, it really holds me back.

Because for every thing I really want to accomplish, that Spectre can come up with ten good reasons why I can't do it. And for some reason -- especially in the wake of a Stress Monster attack -- I am inclined to believe it.

For example: I want to be a writer. I've been a writer, deep down in my soul, since I was a child. I spent hours upon hours writing epic adventure stories using my friends (and even some choice celebrities) as characters. (I also believe that someone found one of my old marble notebooks and used the contents to create the SeaQuest TV series... but that's a story for another time.) As an adult, I've channeled that creativity into public relations. It's not really what I want to do when I grow up, but for a long time that Spectre has led me to believe that I can't do anything beyond that.

So, you want to write, do you? What, do you think you're going to be a novelist or something? Do you really believe that anyone is going to want to read what you write? You can't make a living doing that. You can't even put half a sentence together before deleting it. You don't have time for this - you've got to work your real job, make sure the bills get paid, do the laundry, take care of the baby, make dinner, and fulfill everyone elses needs before you can even think about doing what you want to do. You don't have the chops; you already gave that up a long time ago -- what makes you think you can just jump right back in? Blah, blah, blah...

I know that the Spectre is just the byproduct of a latent perfectionism: if I can't do it perfectly, then why bother trying at all? It's that "all or nothing" attitude that I have to overcome if I'm going to get anywhere with my dreams and live the life I want to live. On my terms -- not the Spectre's, not my boss's, and not based on some misguided preconceived notion that things have to be a certain way or not at all.

I think that South Beach -- building healthy eating habits and starting an exercise program -- has been a good first step toward taking control over my life, and an excellent example for taking on other areas as well. I can't "blame the stress" if I overindulge; I make a conscious choice every moment of every day to eat the right foods, despite the stress, but if I slide then it is my fault alone. When it comes to South Beach, I have never said that "I don't have the willpower" -- that would only be giving in to the Spectre and proving her right. And it would kind of make me a hypocrite if I let the Spectre stop me from following my writing dream, or any other dream for that matter.

It's time I apply what I've learned on South Beach, and start making things happen.