My Own Worst Enemy

Not too long ago, I wrote about one of my adversaries, the Stress Monster. Today, I'd like to introduce you to a much more insidious beast: the Spectre of Self-Doubt. Unlike the aforementioned Stress Monster, which hides deep inside only to rear its ugly head (in a very Hulk-like way) in moments of extreme pressure, the Spectre of Self-Doubt is always there, following me like a shadow and whispering in my ear.

And the problem with that is, it really holds me back.

Because for every thing I really want to accomplish, that Spectre can come up with ten good reasons why I can't do it. And for some reason -- especially in the wake of a Stress Monster attack -- I am inclined to believe it.

For example: I want to be a writer. I've been a writer, deep down in my soul, since I was a child. I spent hours upon hours writing epic adventure stories using my friends (and even some choice celebrities) as characters. (I also believe that someone found one of my old marble notebooks and used the contents to create the SeaQuest TV series... but that's a story for another time.) As an adult, I've channeled that creativity into public relations. It's not really what I want to do when I grow up, but for a long time that Spectre has led me to believe that I can't do anything beyond that.

So, you want to write, do you? What, do you think you're going to be a novelist or something? Do you really believe that anyone is going to want to read what you write? You can't make a living doing that. You can't even put half a sentence together before deleting it. You don't have time for this - you've got to work your real job, make sure the bills get paid, do the laundry, take care of the baby, make dinner, and fulfill everyone elses needs before you can even think about doing what you want to do. You don't have the chops; you already gave that up a long time ago -- what makes you think you can just jump right back in? Blah, blah, blah...

I know that the Spectre is just the byproduct of a latent perfectionism: if I can't do it perfectly, then why bother trying at all? It's that "all or nothing" attitude that I have to overcome if I'm going to get anywhere with my dreams and live the life I want to live. On my terms -- not the Spectre's, not my boss's, and not based on some misguided preconceived notion that things have to be a certain way or not at all.

I think that South Beach -- building healthy eating habits and starting an exercise program -- has been a good first step toward taking control over my life, and an excellent example for taking on other areas as well. I can't "blame the stress" if I overindulge; I make a conscious choice every moment of every day to eat the right foods, despite the stress, but if I slide then it is my fault alone. When it comes to South Beach, I have never said that "I don't have the willpower" -- that would only be giving in to the Spectre and proving her right. And it would kind of make me a hypocrite if I let the Spectre stop me from following my writing dream, or any other dream for that matter.

It's time I apply what I've learned on South Beach, and start making things happen.

Twenty-Five Random Notes About Me

I'm going to cheat a little today and post something I had already posted on Facebook (so anyone who has already seen it, please forgive me!)... but I thought it appropriate for this blog because it was not only an exercise in self-reflection, but also a challenge to reach out beyond myself and share. It's also feeding my growing need to connect with other people, and that is generally a two-way street so I'd better start opening up.

So without further ado, here are 25 random notes about me:

1. When it comes to making friends, it takes me a while to warm up and feel comfortable enough to open up.
2. I have an extremely hard time asking for help, even if I desperately need it.
3. I snap backwards...can't do it any other way.
4. I am a recovering perfectionist...took me a long time to admit that it's okay not to be perfect, and that things are worth trying even if I won't do them well. I'm still working on that.
5. I dream of becoming a writer.
6. I am more a listener than a talker, sometimes to a fault.
7. It doesn't take much to get me motivated...just one compliment is enough to get me going.
8. I'm dying for the kind of friend who can just drop by for some wine or a beer on the front porch and chat.
9. I'm a die hard fan of Food Network and HGTV; until the baby came along, one or the other was usually on the TV at any given time. Though Caroline does enjoy Food Network, too. :)
10. I'd be a terrible debater; if I have a problem with someone, I tend to argue it out in my head to the point where the other person wins.
11. I love to cook, and to experiment with recipes; I sometimes even put on mini Food Network shows for my daughter while I'm cooking dinner. (See #9)
12. I hate confrontation, and try to avoid it at all costs.
13. I'm a big do-it-yourselfer. I can wire an outlet, sweat pipe, frame out a room, install a door, lay tile...and the list goes on.
14. My mind is wired for organization. I love trying to figure out the best way to organize things, and I love flipping through catalogs of organizing "tools."
15. I love to read, but haven't had much time for it lately.
16. I've never smoked, never wanted to, never will...and it really grosses me out. I'm sure it's at least partly connected to a childhood of smoke-filled car rides and cleaning dirty ashtrays. YUCK.
17. I am a big-time procrastinator, and thrive on it...I was one of those kids in school who pulled an all-nighter to write that paper the night before it was due. And got an A.
18. I've always wanted to learn to play the piano. Or the guitar. But I CAN play the flute and the oboe.
19. I ran a marathon once, and would like to be able to do it again.
20. I have a fantasy of someday having the wherewithal to summer with the family in the south of France, or Tuscany, or Santorini...immerse myself in the people and culture, and just WRITE.
21. I played softball, volleyball and basketball in middle school, but dumped them all in high school to join the theater group. No regrets...I was a painfully shy child, and theater is what helped me come out of my shell.
22. As much as I wish it didn't, it matters what people think of me.
23. Growing up, my family was very reserved, and I still have a hard time expressing my feelings and showing affection. It's getting better, and with Caroline it is really easy, but when it comes to other people it takes a conscious effort.
24. I am highly critical of myself (can you tell?).
25. I am named after the actress Stephanie Powers, because of a pact made between my mom and aunt. I was originally going to be named Jennifer Rebecca...until auntie reminded my mom of that pact. I'm actually thankful for that -- there were a TON of Jennifers in my classes growing up!